A Round-a-bout Way to Get to the Point:

Within a couple of hours after Leah’s birth I had the privilege of holding her in my arms and I was overwhelmed with the bonding I felt with her. It was instantaneous. I was hers to do with as she pleased. I felt fortunate to be able to tend her from the beginning; to watch her growth every day; to be with her for each milestone – smile, tooth, sit up, crawl, talk, walk, kindergarten.

I was not prepared last August when her parents announced they were moving – away! I felt the earth quiver and shake. Surely this couldn’t be happening! Some miracle would occur . . . But no. Within weeks she was gone and I thought I wouldn’t be able to stand the pain. I cried - no sobbed - for weeks. I woke up in the middle of each night sobbing.

The pain is intense seven months later and I’m not sure it will ever go away. I pass by a lost Polly Pocket shoe and still I cry.

I am getting nearer to the point I want to make . . .

This morning was stake conference. Dale couldn’t go with me because he had meetings to attend in the Boise Idaho University Stake. And I was strongly tempted to stay home. I decided I was capable of attending a meeting by myself (good grief!). But I knew what I was afraid of . . . I drove up to the Columbia Village meetinghouse, into the parking lot, got out of the car and started walking toward the front door. I automatically turned around to look, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. No Leah running from her car in her Sunday dress to greet me! No Leah inside the hall saving a chair for me! And I started to cry.

I feel that I have been given the opportunity (I can’t think of another word) to feel a tiny bit of the grief that a parent feels when a child dies, or that a wife feels when her soulmate dies. Just a smidgen. Just enough, I think, to keep me humble. Just enough to help me realize how precious our relationships are, how precious our time with our loved ones is. I see Leah often. She comes to visit for a few days. I go there to visit for a few days. But I know that our close relationship is over. It is so hard not to grab on to her and sob and cry. I know that a bereaved parent, or spouse has no hope of any consolation – No hope for any spring-break visit. My heart aches for their loneliness.

Point: I’m scared - really scared because of the taste I have had of it. And knowing that when the real test comes, I might not have the faith and courage to live with it..

Mindless Chatter

I am happy today for the sunshine,
For the skies of gray or blue
For within my heart is a song of love,
I’ll live, I’ll work, I’ll do.
No cloud can cast a shadow,
Over courage such as mine,
And I’ll sing this song as I go along
I’ll live, I’ll work, I’ll do.
(who is the author??)

I awoke in the middle of the night with this song running through my mind.
It is a song from my childhood. Primary? Sunday School? I don't remember . . .
I thought: This is a good song to learn to play on the guitar -- I'll do that in the morning.
When I awoke, I remembered that I was going to work on a song on my guitar, but I didn't have a clue what the words were, or the tune, or anything! Then this afternoon as I was doing some completely off-track mundane (mundone?? what is that word? It must be a private family joke -- mundone? Why would I think of that in the middle of this other mindless blog? Which, again, shows how my mind is completely running rampant.) -- Back to the subject: mundane task, the song, tune, and lyrics came flooding into my mind. Isn't it a wonder how the human brain works? I firmly believe that everything I've ever experienced is lurking in the depths -- if only I knew the access codes! Back to the subject: Where did this song come from? Has anyone heard it?

And the picture above: this was NOT a happy cloud. It was a cloud we saw hovering over Mesa, Arizona in 1972 and it held a tornado. So this cloud did cast a huge shadow, and had I been under it, I'd have been scared to death! Courageousless

#8 THE SALT RIVER

It was drizzling rain on the day we had set aside for a drive along the Salt River near Saguaro Lake. The desert was puddling up and water was beginning to fill in the run-off dips in the road. I lamented that we couldn’t be there two weeks from then to see the desert awash with brilliant flowers. But this day couldn’t be complained about – the desert was radiant green and so beautiful. We stopped at a picnic area on the banks of the Salt River and stepped into a birder’s paradise. Here’s what we saw: Common Moorhen
Coots
Scaup
Common Goldeneye
Double-crested Cormorant
Canada Goose
Great Blue Heron
Mallard
Black Phoebe
Yellow Warbler
Northern Cardinal
Great-tailed Grackle
House Sparrow
White Crowned Sparrow
Vermillion Flycatcher

#7 Birding Doug's Yard

The Phoenix weather was absolutely perfect. Each morning we sat on Doug’s front porch which overlooks the desert and watched birds. I hung a hummingbird feeder in a mesquite tree and within 30 minutes Anna’s and Costa’s hummingbirds were vying for the syrup. Soon a Gila woodpecker discovered the free food and performed an intricate balancing act to get at the tiny holes that dispensed the sweet stuff. A covey of Gambel’s quail foraged around in the cover of a brush pile; and every morning at 9:15 a beautiful male cardinal flew to the top of a nearby tree to soak up the sunshine and show off his regal splendor.

Here are the birds we saw in Doug’s yard:
Black-throated sparrow
Ferruginous hawk
Red-tailed hawk
Gambel’s Quail
Anna’s Hummingbird
Costa’s Hummingbird
Mourning Dove
Starling
Cactus Wren
Gila Woodpecker
Curve-billed Thrasher
Bendire’s Thrasher
Abert’s Towhee
Great-tailed Grackle
Verdin
Townsend’s Warbler
Mockingbird
House Sparrow
Black-tailed Gnatcatcher
Northern Cardinal
White-crowned sparrow
House Finch

#6 Quilts and Some Memories (part B)

In 1960, after the birth of my first baby, I think I was in postpartum depression – not sure because nobody talked of such things way back then. I went to my sister-in-law/other mother whining that I was so bored and there was no hope of brightness on my horizon whatsoever. She popped me into the car, took me to town, bought quilt makings, brought me back home and proceeded to teach me how to make a quilt. I’ve never since whined about being bored!

In 1966, I wanted to give a very special birthday present to my mother-in-law; so I decided to make her a quilt – a satin quilt – blue on one side, white on the other. Four of my aunts (my father’s sisters) came to my home each day for a week to help me quilt it. They knew my mother-in-law, they loved to quilt, and I didn’t think of it at that time, but I think they must have loved me. We had a wonderful week sewing, chatting, lunching together.

I presented the quilt to my mother-in-law for her birthday – she accepted it graciously, but I never saw the quilt again. Many years later I asked her about the quilt and she said matter-of-factly that it had been lost or stolen when she moved.

In 2006 my mother-in-law died, and when we were going through her things in her home, we found a black plastic bag in the top of the linen closet and in the closet was the Quilt! -- Along with dish towels and pillow cases I had embroidered for her and that my grandmother had crocheted.

#6 Quilts and Some Memories (part A)

Doug had invited Karen and I to bring some fabric and we’d make quilts. I was anxious to try the Baby Lock Ellisimo machine that resided at Doug’s house. From his talk, that machine could make a quilt while we sat in the living room playing games. Karen gathered up some bits of fabric and ribbon in the hope that a patriotic wall-hanging might be crafted from the hodgepodge of pieces. I pulled from the depths of the closet a quilt top that I had tried to make ten years ago that I was never happy with. Karen’s project went first – what a delight to see the bag of scraps come together in a beautiful red, white, and blue quilt for the wall. So when it was my turn to tear apart the old top I had tried to make, I knew that something beautiful would come of it. We kept the two machines going full speed. I was amazed at the Ellisimo! That thing does everything and then some – embroiders, and runs so easy and smooth with an endless catalog of designs and stitches from cd’s and the internet. We’d pick out a design, attach the embroider hoop thingey and away it would go – makes my old machine feel like a Model T. It has a video camera by the needle and a big screen that shows close up every stitch the machine is making. Wish I’d have had one of those back when I was sewing everything for my family. (But then, if I’d have been able to afford that machine, I’d not have been sewing everything for my family . . .) Three days is all it took and we emerged from the sewing room with two quilts! I can’t wait til the next visit, I’ll know what to expect and go fully prepared to do some serious stitching! I have been making quilts since 1960, but I have never made an intricately pieced quilt; and you can see from the picture that the quick quilt I made was not intricately blocked – that skill is still to be learned.

#5 Phoenix At Last!

I was more excited than I can tell you as we turned onto the lane that led to Doug’s house. 1100 miles is too far away to keep a child – even though that child is actually a man full grown. I felt tears starting as I gave him a big hug. I wanted to hug him forever – but I know he doesn’t go in for hugs all that much. So I let him go, and hoped my tears would not drip – they didn’t. What joy to see him – a treat I get only twice a year – if I’m lucky.

And the party started – visiting, cooking, eating, catching up on news, card games, cooking, eating, sewing, movies, cooking, eating . . .

I took the recipe for chocolate chip pancakes, which we planned to fix ONE time. But everybody enjoyed them so much, we ended up making chocolate chip pancakes almost every morning! Ummm - served with berry sauce, syrup, whipped cream – no wonder some of us weigh too much and have heart problems!

Here it is – the Chocolate Chip Pancake recipe. You need never go to Ihop again!

CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES
2 cups biscuit mix
2 tbsp ins. Chocolate drink Mix (like Quick)
2 tsp baking powder
1 egg
1 cup milk
½ c sour cream
1/4 + cups mini semisweet chips (we used regular semisweet choc chips)

In bowl, combine biscuit mix, drink mix, baking powder. Combine egg, milk, sour cream; stir into dry ingredients just until moistened. Fold in chocolate chips. Spoon onto hot griddle - you know the drill.

Serve with syrup, berry sauce, Kool whip or whipped cream, even chocolate sauce.